I can’t fricken remember where I first heard about “speaking butterfly.” So, OBVI, I just googled it and, Sweet Baby Jesus, I love Google. So, there’s no conclusive agreement on who should get credit for this piece of art I’m about to lay at your feet, errr- eyes, but that’s okay, whoever you were, 2 big high fives and a chee huu to you!!
Now, obviously, as a piece of art, this is open to your own individual interpretation. As it is mine. And since this is my blog, guess who’s interpretation we’re going to talk about? Bingo!Ha!
Now, all kidding aside, this is such a simple statement that seems so whimsical that if you’re not really paying attention, you could miss how deep it is. Thankfully for you, I’m the most analytical person I know, so it did not escape my scrutiny.
I’ve been talking to a bunch of various folks about the aftermath of being with a narcissist and that butterfly language quote is one of the things that I credit with the slap in the face I needed when I was in the throes. See, one of the things that makes life so difficult when you’re with a narcissist is that they complain about everything you do, creating this symbiotic bubble of “you’re pathetic and can’t do anything right” in your head. They never SAY THAT exactly, but it’s what’s obviously implied – well, obvious once you’re able to pop that bubble.
Anyway, part of this mental tyranny includes the fact that everything is based on the narcissist’s interpretation, memory or how they want it to be on record. None of those things have to be close to the truth. And if you’re someone that tries to play fair and be honest, you’ll be banging your head bloody against the outrageous bullshit that spews with no qualms and never a retraction. Sure, you get an “I’m sorry.” Even, “I don’t know why I say those things.” But never an “I’m sorry for fabricating the basis upon which I terrorized you the other day, it won’t happen again.” Which is really the only thing they should say.
Now I know you’re wondering how the eff this has to do with the butterfly language. Calm down! I’m almost there. Sheezus.
Narcissists and other types of abusive people are very good at PRETENDING to change. Pretending to morph over their lifetime – and hey, some are successful with it. But sadly, I’d say most are not. What they’re successful at is either downright fooling the people in their life whom they choose to dupe (usually for their purposes) or convincing people that they’re so wrong or bad or lacking that that person doesn’t even think of looking at the stacks of lacks in and around the abuser. Deflection at its most grotesque.
For a long time, I refused to believe that the situation was that bad – that he was a narcissist, then I’d find myself standing in the shower with blood mixing in with the water and I’d just cry. I know why people stay with abusers.
Well, I know some of the parts of the reasons. Everyone’s combination is different. For me, it was a combination of self esteem that had already been lacking, a stupid mindset that said “but we’ve already put so much effort, maybe it’s right around the corner,” and exhaustion.
Oh yeah, and of course, the lovely fact that I was without real hope for something more – because I had been groomed to think I didn’t really deserve that.
Abusers don’t change. They usually have their own cocktail of whys but it boils down to them thinking nothing is their fault, therefore no change is necessary.
Abusers are caterpillars that will always be caterpillars. They don’t speak butterfly, and most of them never will. They’ll do their best – or, rather, their worst – to convince you that you’re not butterfly material and that being a butterfly is either way out of your reach or not what you’d want anyway. And they’re real good at that bullshit.
I’m not gonna lie and say that it’s easy, but you just need to stop listening to that muthafucker’s death siren (their voice) and listen to the one in your heart that our Higher Power leaves in there as an emergency escape hatch. Use it.
Also try repeating this simple sentence to yourself, until you believe it with all your heart.
“Stop trying to explain yourself to stupid people – you’re not The Jack Ass Whisperer.”
(Hahaha! Look, I had to, it was getting too hot for me in here. Seriously, I’m sitting here in tears just having skimmed over the shit again. But it’ll be worth it if you’re reading this and it helps you. YOU ARE WORTH IT.)
Then there’s nothing that fatheaded caterpillar can do to stop you from opening your beautiful wings and getting the fuck out of there.
REMEMBER: YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
And their inability to speak your language is THEIR problem, not yours.