I can be a real asshole to myself, big time. I am definitely my worst critic — by a longshot, and I know that plays a huge part in my overactive anxiety issues. BUT…I still haven’t found a way to consistently keep myself from being such a bitch to me.
Okay, okay, in all honesty, I really haven’t spent much time working on this particular part of my healing. BUT – I have recently done quite a bit of thinking about it (okay, like 4 days ago – and today!) and I think I know why I’m so hard on myself… *deep breath* So that no one else can hurt me. There. I said it. It’s like I prepare myself for the worst so that no one else can do the worst. Unfortunately, it’s not proven to be a very effective shield.
In fact…it’s gotten pretty ugly on occasion. I mean, parts of me have often lobbied for my removal and a restraining order…
Now, before I go on, my pride is insisting that I also tell you that I take “constructive criticism” fairly well. Problem with that is that I really don’t think most people understand how to effectively give “constructive criticism.”
In fact, I think the term, itself, is fucken stupid.
Criticism is never constructive by itself, if at all. I mean, maybe it works for some people, but I’d bet my left brain that most people would prefer and respond much more positively and productively if the term and the idea were changed to “supportive suggestions.” But that’s another post, don’t let me get carried away on a tangent! Anyway, I can take “constructive criticism” if I can see how it’s been arrived at, and since I’m a hard-ass to myself, if there’s even a remote possibility of critique, I’ve seen and explored it, therefore, I can take the hit. But I never considered the long term effects. I really didn’t realize there would be any. OH, but there are.
Back to the self-abuse. Okay, so now that I’ve admitted and acknowledged the root of this piece of my issues, I’ve got to address it appropriately. But how?
It took me a few hours and 3 loads of laundry till it hit me — balance! DUH! I’m always giving myself shit about not doing things perfectly but I know there are things that I’m pretty awesome at. So, I’ve made a pact with myself; for every criticism I slap myself with, I will hand myself an equally positive affirmation or compliment.
If you have a similar self-punishing program that you’re trying to drop, I think you should try this, too! I mean, the worst that could happen is that you go to the opposite extreme and become some vapid narcissist that no one can stand to be around, right?
Now, me being me, I decided that I better prepare a list of things or topics to pick my positive stuff from – at least, for now, while I’m getting into the groove.
It’s like how people on diets prep their meals, this is like prepping my happy meals, hahaha! Whether you’re a self-beater like me or not, I think it’s a great idea to take inventory of all the wonders of you, at least, annually.
In fact, right now, let’s do it! Let’s all write down 5 things about ourselves that we like or that we think we do well. Here are mine:
- Duh, I’m seriously hilarious. HA! Okay, okay, to myself, but I count!
- Making people feel comfortable and understood.
- Breakfast. Making it, to be specific. I rock with AM grub.
I reeeeeallly, REEEALLY hope that you’re doing this and that you keep going past the fifth one. I bet there are millions of wonderful things about you. I hope you know that.
Take care and remember: