Trash Talking Televangelists

It’s really my fault. I was watching a marathon of Blue Bloods last night and fell asleep with the TV on. So what, right? SO I was disturbingly awoken at 4:03 a.m. by the condescending “charisma” of Mike Murdock, Televangelist extraordinaire. With growing disgust, I listened to him tell people, as he stood there with his coiffed 1970’s Elvis (the bloated phase) hair and tailor made suit with its obnoxious pink silk pocket scarf and his beady eyes, I listened to him tell whoever was watching that they should send him what he called a “$1000 seed.” No matter their financial situation, he said, they needed to get down on their knees and ask God to remind them where they stashed the cash to give him. I’m not even exaggerating at all. This disgusting person admitted to having all his clothes custom made and buying a house and a jet with “God’s bounty” bestowed upon him. Yes, God’s bounty had given him the lavish lifestyle he enjoys because God wants him to go around collecting money from God’s other children because then, only then, only after they’ve “sowed” their “$1000 seed” will God pay attention to their needs and get them a car or a house or whatever they desire. This “seed” is “God’s design for multiplication…” HE SAID THAT. And by “he” I mean Mike Murdock because I can guaran-damn-tee you that God did not nor would He EVER say “you know what, I know you’re suffering and stuff, but look, I really can’t hear you, sweet cheeks, and I won’t be able to until you give my boy, Mike, here, money you don’t have so HE can pray to me and I’ll listen.”

Look, if you’re somehow for some reason considering donating money you have or don’t have to some sick sadistic asshole like Mike Murdock who tells stories about how after giving him their “$1000 seed” a couple in whereever, Indiana, won its court case – – 30 days later — because they gave him money they didn’t have, PLEASE READ FURTHER BEFORE YOU TAKE OUT YOUR WALLET…

I’m not a pastor, bishop, priest, rabbi or recognized religious figure. I mean, I do have this:

minister.pngso if you just need someone to marry you, wish granted, hit me up.

No, I’m not some shit-talking charlatan like DR. Murdock, sorry to disappoint, but actually, I’m a lot more helpful because I’m just like you in most ways. One way we might differ right now is that I have a strong connection with God, as I choose to see Him and know Him. I feel His love and blessings and see them every day of my life and you can, too, FOR FREE!! There have been times where I’ve been ready to just give up, I said this is too hard, I can’t do it again, I can’t keep doing it (meaning life). Without giving anyone a single damn cent, guess what? That’s right, God took the time out of His busy schedule to reach out and remind me that I’m loved and I matter and that things that I think aren’t going my way, well, they aren’t going the way I wanted them to or thought they should, for a reason. He reminds me that I need to get my head out of my ass (obviously He wouldn’t use that exact phrase) and stop crying over spilled milk before I lose the whole cow.

In His ways, which are not only mysterious but very quirky and downright slapstick at times, He points me in the direction I was meant to go and then kisses me on the head and says not to worry, just do my best and be true to myself. He says that He’ll always love me and that mistakes are meant to teach lessons, so I should always look for the lesson. Most importantly, He gently reminds me to always remember that sometimes, it’s not even about me.

I have never, not once, had to pay anyone anything for God’s ear and neither does anyone else.

To all these greedy money-mongering televangelists, SHAME ON YOU. If you knew God like you say you do, you would never put words in his mouth like God’s “design for multiplication.” So while I sit here trying to get over my loathing and disgust, you all should think about what you’re doing and saying and how ridiculous you are. Again, SHAME ON YOU.

K

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